Also never forget that fatherless homes across longitudinal studies show issues among males with increased rates of criminality and antisocial behavior.
Fatherless homes are terrible for society in general. Make sense why certain activist groups are doing their best to destroy the nuclear family.
Yea, fatherlessness is terrible for both girls, who are left unprotected without a framework for treating themselves like the gifts they are, and terrible for boys, who grow up without a model of what a man SHOULD be. Society falls apart when the man leaves the home.
Correlation by lurking variable, not causation. The people who make bad fathers have genes and memes for being bad fathers and dysfunctional in other ways. Implication: absent fathers are a symptom, not a cause.
My own father grew up without a father because he was killed in WWI before Dad was even born. However Dad was a truly wonderful father to me and four other girls. The difference, I think, is that he didn’t leave my grandmother: she loved him after death as well. She spoke of him, assured my father that he’d loved him, she guided Dad by saying how proud his father would have been of him. She respected and loved her husband, my grandfather, and carried this attitude forward to my Dad.
I mention this because I think Dad’s father-absence was totally different from an abandonment absence. And my Aunt, his older sister, was able for the same reason I feel, to make a loving, faithful marriage with her husband and a safe and healthy home for my two cousins. All of us girls have married, brought up our now adult children who themselves are all married and extremely happily, there are no divorces or abandonments within any of our family relationships.
I feel that an unwilling absence of a father caused by death or other serious event has a profoundly different impact on girls, and boys, than abandonment and I would like to know what anyone else thinks about this? Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story and I'm happy to hear things worked out for your family despite the tragedy.
As evidenced by your story, there was a completely different dynamic than abandonment and it appears the results unfolded accordingly. I find myself agreeing with you.
For another correlation to look at, look at the increase in fatherless homes after the creation of the American welfare state.
Prior to welfare, fatherless homes were more often than not caused by disease or death and often in the workplace and there was a difference social dynamic behind everything.
Spot on, Rich. And no, its not always the drinker, or the player, or the criminal father. My wifes father, after her mother got pregnant by some illegal while working at a warehouse, was the Chief of Police. Korean military vet. "Upstanding" guy. It takes two to tango and when 60s love child mom wasnt "getting what she deserved" from the upstanding, hard working, educated father she decided that humping Jorge, and getting pregnant, was the right move. Mind you, my wifes mom had an intact family and a respectable, God fearing father. A lot of twists in the road. But yeah.. my wife never really left behind her past, and to this day she still bitches about her missing father. Cheated on me a million times at this point. Ya' know what? I found peace with it cause' I finally understand what you're laying down here in this article. It wasnt her fault. She got abused by two people that in the long run were more worried about themselves than their two daughters. My wife cant get off the c*ck carousel, but whatever at this point. I forgive... eternally. But I can NOT forget. Daddy issues are the red flag that I shouldve just ran far, far away from but I was too ignorant, too stupid, too much of a "White Knight", to get the picture and get out.
I grew up in a two parent household. Upper middle class. White picket fence Americana life. My brother is flamboyant gay. My middle sister slept with the entire town, then became a career Other Woman, and my other sister became a raging liberal feminist. The mythological hero father didn’t work like society wants to think it does. But I am sure that this will somehow be blamed on my mom. Because sadly, men in America will not accept how valuable mothers are.
I on the other hand I am a single mother because I will not accept cheating. I do not date. 3 out of 4 of my children were straight A students. Two are now adults with careers. My other older son is in running start. They are all productive and have a good heads on their shoulder. I have two beautiful thriving granddaughters and a son in law that I love. My youngest child is still at home, and he is delightful and rugged as can be. I am a fantastic mother. I am proud of my children, who are my life’s work.
The stats on single mom’s come out of ghettos FYI, as white single mothers make up a very small percentage of the single moms out there. The more men make raising children a masculine role, the less and less women will get pregnant. We need to stay in our gendered lanes.
It’s not a hard and fast rule it’s a correlate. The absolute most nightmare insane women I’ve ever been with was from an intact family who’s father loved and cherished her, yet the one that was equally bad had no father at all. The BPD mentioned in this article is usually CPTSD which are often mixed up, vs true personality disorders which suggest come down the line somewhere genetically.
Chiming in right quick to note that it seems BPD and CPTSD are both much more treatable than they’re made out to be. I’ve been on a bit of a mission to figure out whether that’s the case or not because there isn’t much more that I loathe than the thought that anyone is truly a lost cause. There’s even hope for NPD (on the extremely off chance that someone with NPD can be convinced they have a problem 🥲) - but I think proper treatment is really really hard to find/access.
Great to know and appreciate the information! I’ve been out of this game for about 3 years but I was deep into the research for NPD and BPD. Would be amazing for people to get help for it and heal!
You, my dear woman are an absolute legend. I personally applaud your efforts. Your character speaks for itself in your children. My father left when my sister was 1 I was 3. Moved to the house opposite ours for a better offer. Never once gave me a single thing except the feeling of being 1000% committed to proving him wrong. He was and is wrong. I've worked my arse off. Ultra high achiever. 2 wonderful kids wife of 22 years, owner built house.
Point is. My mum.
Flawed, mental, strung out. Whatever. She showed up and loved us and trained us all to be better. Brothers and sisters married once only, doctor, sales leader etc. all got kids and happy.
I would put a giant fucking trophy in your living room. You are a champion.
I know so many different household types. My best friend was raised by her dad and grandfather after her mom died at 5. She is amazing.
Another friend was raised solely by his mother, with out ever meeting or receiving any sort of support from his father. Also fine… college, career, married, happy, etc…
And another friend raised by her grandparents because her parents were addicts. She went to University. Got a law degree. Then gave it all up to be a stay at home mom and live in the country with her hubby and 3 kids.
What these studies are actually measuring is the safety, security and stability children have… These studies are then used to vilify mothers, because up until the last decade single primary parents were almost entirely mothers. In the coming decades we will see that data corrected to show that it was never about mothers failing, or fathers being the sole deciding factor in a child’s life trajectory. It was always about stability… which can be provided by men or women.
You sound like an incredible man, who will have happy thriving children, because you and your wife strive to give them stability and love.
I agree wholeheartedly. Stability is fundamental in my reading of the situation. With all the chaos in my childhood knowing my mother was there regardless of the situation or what we were going through was everything. Solid ground. You can't build on unstable ground.
Having said that, a child can feel deeply injured by the rejection of a parent. If I was my mum I would have been very clear that 'daddy has a mental issue and it cannot possibly be a child's fault'.
My father was angry and violent and so was my mother.
What I didn’t get was safety.
When a woman feels safe then her nervous system doesn’t respond to the implicit memory of being profoundly unsafe and consequently does not need to adopt unconscious behaviours that are designed to maintain safety.
You can ask the question “what’s your relationship to your parents “ … it’s a good question, as long as you ask it of yourself and you can say that you have enough safety within your own nervous system to be able to co regulate your partner or at least not trigger the parts that recognise and react to rejection.
Rejection to a child is danger. Survival danger.
If a man isn’t aware of his own shadow projections and triggers then he will trigger in his partner her own version of the same.
My daughter grew up without her father because he wasn’t emotionally safe, it triggered all of my unconscious queues of unsafety. He chose not to be in her life despite my encouragement.
You can’t have a relationship with a man who won’t let you because of his own unconscious childhood wounds.
My wife's mother never married the man who gave her children. It shows in how the family turned out. My wife's mother still lives alone, the son is gay, my wife is cold as shit, and my sister-in-law has an attitude problem from hell. She turns up her nose when anyone asks her a question and whines about work. My wife gets home from work and scrolls her phone until midnight, then crawls into bed, gets up and does it all over again. I work 5 days a week, 12 hours a day, and when I'm home, I tell her I love her, but never get the same from her.
Always see how the woman's mother lives. That's your clue for what your wife will look like, act like, and be like. If the house is trash, run.
It’s not really protective nowadays. My mother’s mom mostly has a decent home but that’s only because she was forced into a certain standard by her husband.
My mother married my father who is a terrible asshole and now mom’s house isn’t something you would wish for (she dates all over the place but never committed to another man).
Learned this lesson the hard way back in my 20's; found out a girl I was dating had a kid in college she never told me about. The friend who informed me also related she was a wild party girl & yes - she had a high body count. Should have ended it right there & then but I was weak then. I confronted her with all this, she admitted to "20 something" sexual partners. In reality it was probably double that. It ended of course, she was a full blown disaster.
And her Dad left early on in her life & was not active in her life at all.
Good question but now - it’s been so long - I don’t remember. There were a lot of tip offs I chose to ignore out of total idiocy & ignorance of women @ the time. One was her daughter wasn’t with/being raised by her, but by a relative. That should have been a major bucket of doused ice water right there. She makes a mistake & a relative bails her out? And she drives across the country (was living in L.A full time then) to continue on living her single life? What about the kid? That’s not a good look on her end (selfish) nor a learned lesson about life & responsibilities.
I learned my lesson the hard way. Never married her (thankfully) & never made that mistake again.
I ran this experiment twice, though interestingly, neither stemmed from divorce. The first girlfriend I had sex with, at age 19, had given her virginity to a 21 year old when she was 13. Her father had died of disease when she was 4. She was forever insecure, sure that men didn't love her. She felt abandoned, no matter how much effort her mother put in.
My wife's father died with dementia when she was 14. But she had had a good relationship with her dad before he got sick. She got a little wild as a teen but maintained boundaries.
The negative consequences of this trend filter down and outward through the generations: damaged women choose badly, have children impulsively... and those children find themselves unable to form stable, healthy, productive, lasting relationships.
40% of American children are now born out of wedlock.
Thoughts on SSRI’s? I’m 20 and a ton of girls around me are on them. I’m starting to think one of the best filters is to just ask if they take an ssri.
Yes, just ask. It’s a legit Q if you’re thinking about stepping it up. My wife has been on them for many years. She has a chronic depression problem, so they have probably helped. But the data I’ve seen indicates the efficacy is better than placebos but not by a huge margin. As a parent she had little choice but to try them. A single woman may need them but may also have been inappropriately prescribed.
Yes sir. Some of my first questions are: are your parents together? Do you have a good relationship with your dad? I’ve wasted enough time with the crazy ones.
I am so grateful my father is the kind of man you laud as a good one! He was always there for us, the calm one, the leader, firm and disciplined and he adores his wife (my mom, and all my sibling's mom as well).
My dad taught me the most important thing about a woman is if a woman's parents are still together. Before my wife and I got serious I asked her about her parents and I still remember her answer. "Yeah, they're still together. I talked to them the other day." Bingo! My wife is still crazy, but we have a good solid marriage.
Dad also taught me if I want to know what a woman will look like when she is older, look at her mother. Although my wife is tall and my mother in law is short, they both keep themselves well maintained.
It goes even deeper than this. The sexual promiscuity side is only one part, and that is not always the case. The real issue is the capacity to bond with a man when the archetype is absent.
If you do not know your father, you do not know your husband, your boyfriend, your child's father. Without honest introspection, this will be lost, and routine moments in life will become arduous, for both involved.
Also never forget that fatherless homes across longitudinal studies show issues among males with increased rates of criminality and antisocial behavior.
Fatherless homes are terrible for society in general. Make sense why certain activist groups are doing their best to destroy the nuclear family.
Yea, fatherlessness is terrible for both girls, who are left unprotected without a framework for treating themselves like the gifts they are, and terrible for boys, who grow up without a model of what a man SHOULD be. Society falls apart when the man leaves the home.
I couldn't agree more. The evidence couldn't be more clear. No one benefits.
Correlation by lurking variable, not causation. The people who make bad fathers have genes and memes for being bad fathers and dysfunctional in other ways. Implication: absent fathers are a symptom, not a cause.
The statistics of it are a pretty strong correlation. Fatherless homes are a strong predictor of antisocial behavior and other problems.
My own father grew up without a father because he was killed in WWI before Dad was even born. However Dad was a truly wonderful father to me and four other girls. The difference, I think, is that he didn’t leave my grandmother: she loved him after death as well. She spoke of him, assured my father that he’d loved him, she guided Dad by saying how proud his father would have been of him. She respected and loved her husband, my grandfather, and carried this attitude forward to my Dad.
I mention this because I think Dad’s father-absence was totally different from an abandonment absence. And my Aunt, his older sister, was able for the same reason I feel, to make a loving, faithful marriage with her husband and a safe and healthy home for my two cousins. All of us girls have married, brought up our now adult children who themselves are all married and extremely happily, there are no divorces or abandonments within any of our family relationships.
I feel that an unwilling absence of a father caused by death or other serious event has a profoundly different impact on girls, and boys, than abandonment and I would like to know what anyone else thinks about this? Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story and I'm happy to hear things worked out for your family despite the tragedy.
As evidenced by your story, there was a completely different dynamic than abandonment and it appears the results unfolded accordingly. I find myself agreeing with you.
That's consistent with what I said: it predicts but is not the cause. The people who make absent/bad fathers are also people who have other issues.
For another correlation to look at, look at the increase in fatherless homes after the creation of the American welfare state.
Prior to welfare, fatherless homes were more often than not caused by disease or death and often in the workplace and there was a difference social dynamic behind everything.
Spot on, Rich. And no, its not always the drinker, or the player, or the criminal father. My wifes father, after her mother got pregnant by some illegal while working at a warehouse, was the Chief of Police. Korean military vet. "Upstanding" guy. It takes two to tango and when 60s love child mom wasnt "getting what she deserved" from the upstanding, hard working, educated father she decided that humping Jorge, and getting pregnant, was the right move. Mind you, my wifes mom had an intact family and a respectable, God fearing father. A lot of twists in the road. But yeah.. my wife never really left behind her past, and to this day she still bitches about her missing father. Cheated on me a million times at this point. Ya' know what? I found peace with it cause' I finally understand what you're laying down here in this article. It wasnt her fault. She got abused by two people that in the long run were more worried about themselves than their two daughters. My wife cant get off the c*ck carousel, but whatever at this point. I forgive... eternally. But I can NOT forget. Daddy issues are the red flag that I shouldve just ran far, far away from but I was too ignorant, too stupid, too much of a "White Knight", to get the picture and get out.
Fucking leave.......
Left almost four years ago, Einstein. Thanks.
That's not apparent from your post
I grew up in a two parent household. Upper middle class. White picket fence Americana life. My brother is flamboyant gay. My middle sister slept with the entire town, then became a career Other Woman, and my other sister became a raging liberal feminist. The mythological hero father didn’t work like society wants to think it does. But I am sure that this will somehow be blamed on my mom. Because sadly, men in America will not accept how valuable mothers are.
I on the other hand I am a single mother because I will not accept cheating. I do not date. 3 out of 4 of my children were straight A students. Two are now adults with careers. My other older son is in running start. They are all productive and have a good heads on their shoulder. I have two beautiful thriving granddaughters and a son in law that I love. My youngest child is still at home, and he is delightful and rugged as can be. I am a fantastic mother. I am proud of my children, who are my life’s work.
The stats on single mom’s come out of ghettos FYI, as white single mothers make up a very small percentage of the single moms out there. The more men make raising children a masculine role, the less and less women will get pregnant. We need to stay in our gendered lanes.
It’s not a hard and fast rule it’s a correlate. The absolute most nightmare insane women I’ve ever been with was from an intact family who’s father loved and cherished her, yet the one that was equally bad had no father at all. The BPD mentioned in this article is usually CPTSD which are often mixed up, vs true personality disorders which suggest come down the line somewhere genetically.
Chiming in right quick to note that it seems BPD and CPTSD are both much more treatable than they’re made out to be. I’ve been on a bit of a mission to figure out whether that’s the case or not because there isn’t much more that I loathe than the thought that anyone is truly a lost cause. There’s even hope for NPD (on the extremely off chance that someone with NPD can be convinced they have a problem 🥲) - but I think proper treatment is really really hard to find/access.
Great to know and appreciate the information! I’ve been out of this game for about 3 years but I was deep into the research for NPD and BPD. Would be amazing for people to get help for it and heal!
Big agree!
You, my dear woman are an absolute legend. I personally applaud your efforts. Your character speaks for itself in your children. My father left when my sister was 1 I was 3. Moved to the house opposite ours for a better offer. Never once gave me a single thing except the feeling of being 1000% committed to proving him wrong. He was and is wrong. I've worked my arse off. Ultra high achiever. 2 wonderful kids wife of 22 years, owner built house.
Point is. My mum.
Flawed, mental, strung out. Whatever. She showed up and loved us and trained us all to be better. Brothers and sisters married once only, doctor, sales leader etc. all got kids and happy.
I would put a giant fucking trophy in your living room. You are a champion.
Good dads are incredibly undervalued though.
X
Thank you.
I know so many different household types. My best friend was raised by her dad and grandfather after her mom died at 5. She is amazing.
Another friend was raised solely by his mother, with out ever meeting or receiving any sort of support from his father. Also fine… college, career, married, happy, etc…
And another friend raised by her grandparents because her parents were addicts. She went to University. Got a law degree. Then gave it all up to be a stay at home mom and live in the country with her hubby and 3 kids.
What these studies are actually measuring is the safety, security and stability children have… These studies are then used to vilify mothers, because up until the last decade single primary parents were almost entirely mothers. In the coming decades we will see that data corrected to show that it was never about mothers failing, or fathers being the sole deciding factor in a child’s life trajectory. It was always about stability… which can be provided by men or women.
You sound like an incredible man, who will have happy thriving children, because you and your wife strive to give them stability and love.
I agree wholeheartedly. Stability is fundamental in my reading of the situation. With all the chaos in my childhood knowing my mother was there regardless of the situation or what we were going through was everything. Solid ground. You can't build on unstable ground.
Having said that, a child can feel deeply injured by the rejection of a parent. If I was my mum I would have been very clear that 'daddy has a mental issue and it cannot possibly be a child's fault'.
LOL about your sister.😂
It takes 2 to tango.
My father was angry and violent and so was my mother.
What I didn’t get was safety.
When a woman feels safe then her nervous system doesn’t respond to the implicit memory of being profoundly unsafe and consequently does not need to adopt unconscious behaviours that are designed to maintain safety.
You can ask the question “what’s your relationship to your parents “ … it’s a good question, as long as you ask it of yourself and you can say that you have enough safety within your own nervous system to be able to co regulate your partner or at least not trigger the parts that recognise and react to rejection.
Rejection to a child is danger. Survival danger.
If a man isn’t aware of his own shadow projections and triggers then he will trigger in his partner her own version of the same.
My daughter grew up without her father because he wasn’t emotionally safe, it triggered all of my unconscious queues of unsafety. He chose not to be in her life despite my encouragement.
You can’t have a relationship with a man who won’t let you because of his own unconscious childhood wounds.
It takes two to tango.
Someone has to be safe. Not judgemental.
My wife's mother never married the man who gave her children. It shows in how the family turned out. My wife's mother still lives alone, the son is gay, my wife is cold as shit, and my sister-in-law has an attitude problem from hell. She turns up her nose when anyone asks her a question and whines about work. My wife gets home from work and scrolls her phone until midnight, then crawls into bed, gets up and does it all over again. I work 5 days a week, 12 hours a day, and when I'm home, I tell her I love her, but never get the same from her.
Always see how the woman's mother lives. That's your clue for what your wife will look like, act like, and be like. If the house is trash, run.
It’s not really protective nowadays. My mother’s mom mostly has a decent home but that’s only because she was forced into a certain standard by her husband.
My mother married my father who is a terrible asshole and now mom’s house isn’t something you would wish for (she dates all over the place but never committed to another man).
Learned this lesson the hard way back in my 20's; found out a girl I was dating had a kid in college she never told me about. The friend who informed me also related she was a wild party girl & yes - she had a high body count. Should have ended it right there & then but I was weak then. I confronted her with all this, she admitted to "20 something" sexual partners. In reality it was probably double that. It ended of course, she was a full blown disaster.
And her Dad left early on in her life & was not active in her life at all.
The big issue is why did her dad 'leave'? POS? Or did divorce shatter the family, etc?
Good question but now - it’s been so long - I don’t remember. There were a lot of tip offs I chose to ignore out of total idiocy & ignorance of women @ the time. One was her daughter wasn’t with/being raised by her, but by a relative. That should have been a major bucket of doused ice water right there. She makes a mistake & a relative bails her out? And she drives across the country (was living in L.A full time then) to continue on living her single life? What about the kid? That’s not a good look on her end (selfish) nor a learned lesson about life & responsibilities.
I learned my lesson the hard way. Never married her (thankfully) & never made that mistake again.
Double? AT LEAST TRIPLE........
I ran this experiment twice, though interestingly, neither stemmed from divorce. The first girlfriend I had sex with, at age 19, had given her virginity to a 21 year old when she was 13. Her father had died of disease when she was 4. She was forever insecure, sure that men didn't love her. She felt abandoned, no matter how much effort her mother put in.
My wife's father died with dementia when she was 14. But she had had a good relationship with her dad before he got sick. She got a little wild as a teen but maintained boundaries.
The negative consequences of this trend filter down and outward through the generations: damaged women choose badly, have children impulsively... and those children find themselves unable to form stable, healthy, productive, lasting relationships.
40% of American children are now born out of wedlock.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/its-a-womans-duty-to-choose-well
Thoughts on SSRI’s? I’m 20 and a ton of girls around me are on them. I’m starting to think one of the best filters is to just ask if they take an ssri.
Yes, just ask. It’s a legit Q if you’re thinking about stepping it up. My wife has been on them for many years. She has a chronic depression problem, so they have probably helped. But the data I’ve seen indicates the efficacy is better than placebos but not by a huge margin. As a parent she had little choice but to try them. A single woman may need them but may also have been inappropriately prescribed.
Efficacy 🤣🤣🤣
Ok. And what do I do? I am a widow. My husband was a lovely and loving husband and the best father. He passed when my daughters were 9 and 12. Now?
Yes sir. Some of my first questions are: are your parents together? Do you have a good relationship with your dad? I’ve wasted enough time with the crazy ones.
So, the perfect response to any single moms who say, "I don't need a man." is, "But your children do."
I am so grateful my father is the kind of man you laud as a good one! He was always there for us, the calm one, the leader, firm and disciplined and he adores his wife (my mom, and all my sibling's mom as well).
My dad taught me the most important thing about a woman is if a woman's parents are still together. Before my wife and I got serious I asked her about her parents and I still remember her answer. "Yeah, they're still together. I talked to them the other day." Bingo! My wife is still crazy, but we have a good solid marriage.
Dad also taught me if I want to know what a woman will look like when she is older, look at her mother. Although my wife is tall and my mother in law is short, they both keep themselves well maintained.
It goes even deeper than this. The sexual promiscuity side is only one part, and that is not always the case. The real issue is the capacity to bond with a man when the archetype is absent.
If you do not know your father, you do not know your husband, your boyfriend, your child's father. Without honest introspection, this will be lost, and routine moments in life will become arduous, for both involved.
The mother drives away the father to make the daughter a poor sexual competitor to the mother.